love back to life

i used to think i could love someone back to life. 

we’re all broken, so who is it & what do they need?

i can be that for them.

i wanted to fast forward. truly, i’ve done this before.

& if i am worthy enough they might even revive me too.

but the hearts broke, the words cut, the wounds deepened, the sequence came dangerously close to repeating.

is it then that we finally realize it’s not their responsibility to love us at our lowest?

& perhaps it’s our honor to not take them along to the bottom either. 

but when they do see it, as it is inevitable eventually. let it only be a glimpse. 

that we fight tooth & nail out of our personal shadows & then again, for each other.

after all, i won’t ask you to treat me with the compassion & attention i neglect to show myself first.

i will want to love you back to life.

but i can’t be your cure.

& you won’t be how i cope.

you’re worth everything more than that.

& so am i.

what if’s & remember when's

i try to let myself go back there with the what if’s & remember when's.

this underlining stamina to keep going, telling ourselves there's a hidden meaning, it will all make sense & be “good” in the end. 

what if they didn’t fill a void of validation with a detail here, vagueness there? what if there weren’t songs i simply refuse to hear? gifts you’ve given, your clothes i used to wear. printed photos as book marks for this cliffhanger.

i’m haunted by these hypothetical thoughts. I’ll never forget how my ideals were written off.

but what if you change for the better & i am in no way involved?

remember when the songs i sent meant more to me. earlier photos, we’re beaming. the later ones are you even in the same room? gifts lavished to cover up that you weren't listening. the clothes & blanket I shouldn’t hold on to still carry your scent.

the remember when nostalgia.

the things i once found significance in now just act as weapons.

the thief of my joy, these what if’s & remember when’s.

i wasn’t a high maintenance lover. i just asked for protection & honor. trust me, i never expected you to understand all the corners of my mind. i just wanted to know you would at least try. 

so as for the what’s if’s, i still remember when no one is looking, who are you then? 

now, i’ll try not to let myself go back there anymore. mostly letting go of those what if’s.

how many more times will i have to call us off so this can’t beat me to the ground again?

who you thought you were

i mourn in a memory of the moment i finally shared my emotions & you suddenly had none. your nurturer mask fell off.

the facade, fitting just like your counterfeit gloves for calloused hands that couldn't hold my heart as it beat differently than you thought you programmed it to.

you basked in the warm light of my easy demeanor. i was to hear & cheer.

you cared, because i considered you more than myself. you loved, in the shallow end when we had a clear image of the water surrounding us. when the depths of authenticity couldn't envelop, the currents of exposure still avoidable.

but you didn't just lose me. you sent me away, into a violent sea the instant you knew you had me.

i caught my breath, but you didn't jump in like you could. no life saver thrown either, you allowed it.

you're your own buoy & you've always had the control. 

so even as i struggle, you won't let me let you go. 

you will remain possessive. 

you will linger.

you'll show up to my eyes closed in song, on the faces of friends, driving down the highway, secret notes whispered, the exploding hearts of each woman after me.

in every measurement of the tide, you'll come around disguised with that mask & those gloves ready to entice, then hide. 

but what you don't know is that out of your vulnerability you could discover true strength. or that when i'm alone at night, tucked away in my dark room, head buried, i cry for you, for me, for us. 

you want everyone else to believe that you changed more than you want to show me. but you've shown me enough. 

if you knew how to love you would speak highly & pursue. you would do everything you could to protect, you would ask to stay not demand me to. 

so here i'll tread the harsh waters you left me now that your pride no longer obstructs my view. 

i will forgive myself for not knowing what i didn't know until i learned. it was never for us, for me, or even you. 

you're not who you thought you were.

freeze response

hi, bye! i exclaimed.

my thoughts paced & traced the astonishment on your face. 

your infamous look, that still mesmerized gaze.

even in extreme discomfort you're hard for me to hate. 

but you weren't supposed to be here. & i'm annoyed that you were. even more disappointed with myself for allowing this demeanor to come off so insecure. 

the city isn't big enough for the two of us, yet i'm feeling like i need to move. 

public places, they never get easier.

encounters in coffee shops, pretending you're just another one of the nameless strangers. 

welcome to my world, here are my people, here is my space.

i'm glad you enjoy everything you see.

it's yours, take my place. 

as for me,

i'll be long gone.

i'm constantly steps ahead of you.

you'll miss me by a few seconds on my way out every door. 

this is not playing hard to get, although i know you live for the chase.  

you can keep moving in closer, but you're the furthest you've ever been.

i don’t want to hear about how we could still be friends.

look me in the eyes one last time, here's your ticket to move on.

just please be better to her.

anger’s truth

why didn't you stick up for yourself? you're too much. figure it out. don't think about it. that happened so long ago, why now? stop. go. i worry about what holding onto this grudge for so long can do. decide. be quiet. this isn’t the time or place. what do you mean you don’t cry anymore? you should let it go. what are you afraid of, just do it. this is justice. that was cruel. get even.

so which is it? & is that even right? the contradictions of the criticisms.

i should be too offended to feel any grief? who created the myth & why do we agree?

because anger helps us tell the truth, yet apparently i am limited in my ability to be honest.

like a fire though, this specific burning emotion is either an instrumental resource or rapid, irreversible destruction. a warmth & ember glow or clenched fists of burnt bridge ash. 

the fear of everyone’s anger stops me from telling my truth. it withheld hysterical tears, audible yells, physical punches, piercing words, simply presenting facts.

i refuse to perpetuate damage that is already done. vengeance won’t repair the past & harboring creates zero justice. 

besides, if you somehow saw that version of me, you would’ve been the first to leave. i saw this version of you, why didn’t i have permission to go?

so the fake happiness was the loneliest sadness. right behind the deceptive experience of being numb.

i think i’ll always be better at being gentle, just forcing agreement with a smile. 

& if i ever discover my rage, i also know i’ll be clumsy with it. i’ll apologize profusely, lose sleep over how it’s interpreted & recluse from self-inflicted shame.

while i may spend the rest of my time combatting a misunderstanding of this expression. it may actually make me angry.

but how heavy the weight of resentment is when you finally feel it fall off your back.