what if’s & remember when's

i try to let myself go back there with the what if’s & remember when's.

this underlining stamina to keep going, telling ourselves there's a hidden meaning, it will all make sense & be “good” in the end. 

what if they didn’t fill a void of validation with a detail here, vagueness there? what if there weren’t songs i simply refuse to hear? gifts you’ve given, your clothes i used to wear. printed photos as book marks for this cliffhanger.

i’m haunted by these hypothetical thoughts. I’ll never forget how my ideals were written off.

but what if you change for the better & i am in no way involved?

remember when the songs i sent meant more to me. earlier photos, we’re beaming. the later ones are you even in the same room? gifts lavished to cover up that you weren't listening. the clothes & blanket I shouldn’t hold on to still carry your scent.

the remember when nostalgia.

the things i once found significance in now just act as weapons.

the thief of my joy, these what if’s & remember when’s.

i wasn’t a high maintenance lover. i just asked for protection & honor. trust me, i never expected you to understand all the corners of my mind. i just wanted to know you would at least try. 

so as for the what’s if’s, i still remember when no one is looking, who are you then? 

now, i’ll try not to let myself go back there anymore. mostly letting go of those what if’s.

how many more times will i have to call us off so this can’t beat me to the ground again?